When I was in high school, I was in the school chorus as well as in every play and musical. My senior year, I got the lead for the spring musical; I was Reno Sweeney in Anything Goes, a musical I had never heard of with a leading lady who had a masculine-sounding name, in my opinion.
Since then I have sung in a handful of weddings as well as a few funerals. I have been in my church choir since 2001. At my last full-time job, I would often break into song. And I have been known to start singing at the pool whenever Jordan and I are the only people there (good acoustics).
Yet for all that singing and performing, I cannot bring myself to sing a solo at church or, more topically, sing for our music ministry's Cabaret Night next weekend (Are you interested in going?!!).
I kind of want to sing for this event. In fact, just this morning in the car, I found myself singing two songs from Jesus Christ Superstar, which is my favorite musical (technically a rock opera). When I tried out for Anything Goes my senior year in high school, I sang "Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar (apparently it did the trick). When I was in college, as part of a group project for an education class, I sang "I Don't Know How to Love Him," which is also from JCS. I still remember a girl in the class saying she had no idea I could sing. Why would she? I knew almost no one outside of class, and it is not as if you normally sing during a college class (or any class, for that matter).
But that was then and this is now. My voice, once aided by a couple years of voice lessons in college, is neither as pretty nor as high as it used to be (oh, how I miss the days when Mariah Carey's warbling had nothing on me). In fact, now I get excited when I open my mouth to sing a high note and something actually comes out.
And really, I am okay with this. I don't mind being in the background in the choir, which is easier to do since we now number around 30. I have since given up my dream to sing the National Anthem at Three Rivers Stadium, for more than the obvious reason. I no longer lament that I am too old to be on American Idol.
But if I am being perfectly honest, there is a little part of me that wishes I was still that gal who not only could sound pretty singing in front of a large group, but who also had the guts to do so to begin with.
Sometimes I miss the "Look at me!" Facie. The brave woman who loved the attention. But who knows? Maybe she will make an appearance before my 40th...