Facie’s Ramblings

Well, maybe my title is not entirely accurate. I mean, I can find joy in little things. I don't need to be part of something that is big and spectacular. But yet I sometimes (maybe closer to often) find myself becoming sad because those little moments are going to end, and I focus more on the loss (and trying to capture the moments). A few hours ago, we returned home from a week at OC MD. When we went last year, we stayed only four nights, and I honestly thought we would not be back for years. But one year later, there we were, and staying longer to boot. Yet during the last couple of days, which would be more days than we had last year, I found myself almost panicking. I felt as if I had to grab a hold of the final days and fill them with as much beach and ocean as I could. I kept worrying that we were not doing enough things or that I was going to regret doing nothing. Thursday was the first bad weather day we had. Before the storm came, I managed to get a run in on the bea...

Two months ago, I started a blog for/about our dog Sadie, just after we found out she had cancer. I was hopeful writing would be cathartic; I was particularly concerned how J would handle it and thought if nothing else, it would give her a chance to write happy things about our beloved dog. As with a lot of things, J started out enthusiastically, but in time, she did not have much to say. Plus school got in the way.  But I managed to write a good bit and post some good pics. I hope to continue it for awhile.  But just 23.5 hours removed from Sadie's death, I am still devastated. I never would have guessed it would have affected me this way. Sure, I'm a crier, but as been documented here, I cry for strange things. Not for my own wedding or birth of my child, but for strangers on TV. I definitely cry for tragic events (9/11, in particular), but I also cry when I see certain commercials. I did not cry when my aunt or Bri's grandfather died a few years ago, yet every year when ...

Tomorrow the kid starts daycare. I am not even sure that is what it is called when your kid will be 10 in about 2.5 months and headed into fifth grade. As I said on Facebook, it has been almost five years since I had to gather up extra clothes, write my kid's name on things, etc. I am not even sure what the etc. is  because I cannot remember what you are supposed to do when you send your kid off to a child-care facility (which in this case is a church-school)! J is a little apprehensive about it, but I think she is also slightly excited (and by think, I mean hope and pray). It will be a chance to meet some new people who hopefully will be kind-hearted. We are both glad that the place provides breakfast, which means that J can sleep in an extra 10 minutes from what she did the past nine months. The place also provides lunch, most choices which she likes, which also means that she won't have to pack her lunch too often. I still am sad that she has to do this. I am sad that she ...

This evening, after hearing the kid whine about something, I wearily begged her to stop, saying that no one likes a whiner. J's response, which I have heard all too often lately, was that I don't like her for who she is. Sigh. I love my child more than anything and, like most parents, more than my life. I genuinely want to be with her as much as possible (which is why for the first time in four years I am sad that school is ending). But the kid can whine better than a three-year-old, and it is getting old. And when she says to me that I don't like her, or even that I don't love her, I reply, just as my one grandmother often said, "I love you, but I don't like some of the things you do." But that is almost not the point (though if you have any suggestions for how to get her to stop whining, I am all ears). My larger concern is her lamenting that I (and others) don't want her to be herself. I tried to explain, as best as I could, that there are thi...

Four years and two weeks ago, I wrote a blog post that contained the good-bye email I wrote to my coworkers on the occasion of my last day of work. I was pretty proud of that note, which was quite hard to write as it reflected almost 13 years of being with one company, which is pretty rare in this century. I reread that note this morning to remind myself of what I had said, as that time feels like a lifetime ago. One sentence struck me: I am not sure where I will go from here or what I will do (although I fear cooking will be part of my immediate future), but I like to think onward and upward. I really had no idea what it was I was going to do or how long I would be without steady employment. Never did I suspect I would more or less be a SAHM who subbed and freelanced on occasion (sometimes the subbing and freelancing were often; other times I could go weeks without working). But here I am, just over four years later, getting ready to head back to steady employment. ...

I have been trying to come up with something to say about the tragic school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, on Friday. But even though I can normally "write" a coherent, meaningful post in my head, this topic has not allowed my brain to do that; my thoughts are all over the place. Even worse, this tragedy came about 12 hours after the mother of one of J's classmates died, so I was already sad. So I am pretty much just going to do a free-write, and we'll see what happens. One of my first reactions when I read about the shooting was the schools are supposed to be a safe place. If you read my last post, which I wrote about an hour before I heard about the shootings, I said school was the one place that I did not worry about when leaving my kid. You know what, after my initial shock and sadness, I still feel that way. I have also written about how I sometimes think about how easy it would be for a deranged person to walk into the church where I attend daily mass. Wh...

Last evening, the mother of one of J's classmates passed away. This woman had been sick for quite some time (really her daughter's entire life), and her health had recently taken a turn for the worse. However, when I had spoken to her last week and the week before, she sounded pretty good, even optimistic. To help makes things easier for the family, I was planning to take her daughter and J swimming today, and we were going to finalize the plans yesterday. Unfortunately, because this woman had gotten so sick over the past few days, my conversation with her on my birthday was the last we will ever have. Sigh. In my opinion (and the opinion of many others) the worst thing that can happen to someone is to lose her child/ren. But a young kid should not have to lose one of her parents either. To a kid, that is the worst thing that can happen. I remember one time as a child my brothers and I were supposed to spend the weekend at my grandmother's, about an hour away, and I refus...

I spent almost three hours last evening reading the Freeh report. Hubby asked why I would waste my time doing so, and I said that as a Penn Stater and someone who has given Paterno the benefit of the doubt, I needed to read it. Too many people were commenting in various places without having read more than the press release or parroting what others have said, and I didn't want to be one of those people. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who are having trouble putting all my thoughts and opinions into coherent statements. In fact, I have edited and pretty much changed this post three times. What follows is rambling and disjointed, which is due in no small part to my difficulty in wrapping my head around so much information and trying to reconcile that with my wanting to think the best about people. :-( Do I feel differently since yesterday, when based on the press release and some of what I had read, it appeared that JoePa knew more than he let on? Not a lot. In fact, he and...

Just three short weeks ago, I wrote a post about vacations . After a three-year hiatus, we were finally going to leave the Burgh to get away for three nights. We spent a lot of yesterday packing and organizing, which I actually started Friday night (how can it take so long?!). Then, while I was working on my online class, I received an email from the Stonewall Resort informing me that the resort could not accept Saturday's reservations due to a power outage. I ran downstairs to tell Brian, who was listening to the Pirates beat up on St. Louis. He was not happy. I immediately went on Facebook (where, seriously, I get a lot of my news) to the resort's page, and read some comments from people. The resort updated their page soon after. I spent a lot of yesterday evening checking FB and the resort web page, and doing internet searches to determine when power was going to be restored (someone on FB who had left the resort said that power was expected to be down for five days). I po...

This week I have been teaching Vacation Bible School, something I am grateful to have the opportunity to do. I want to be sure the kids have fun while learning the Bible stories. but the real challenge is determining how lenient to be and how many feelings I should try to spare. Yesterday, I told my 12 kids to divide up into groups of three or four for a scavenger hunt. Once the kids did that, because I had an extra list, I asked if anyone wanted to work alone. After about 30 seconds, one girl volunteered, and I then started to explain the instructions. Soon after, one boy started to get upset because he insisted that he really had wanted to work by himself. I explained that I had asked for volunteers (and I actually looked right at him when I asked this question), and he did not speak up. This seemed to upset him even more, and he next said that he wanted to work with the girl who was going solo. For about five seconds I considered telling him, as nicely as possible, that he needed to...

I wish I could subscribe to the quality, not quantity theory, but for whatever reason, I don't. I'd like to blame it on Catholic guilt, because that is convenient. I could also blame it on some people who make me feel guilty, but I suppose I can choose not to feel guilty. But there are few people who make me feel as guilty as I make myself at times. Regardless of whose "fault" it is, I would be nice and healthy if I could care more about what I am doing and living in that moment and care less about counting every single minute and worrying it is not enough. I had a nice Christmas break, and it is not even over yet. I managed to spend a good bit of time with my older brother and his family, which is nice because they live about nine driving hours away. I also got in extra time with my mom, hanging out with her briefly just a week before Christmas, spending two nights a few days later, and then spending time with her and the bro/family the latter part of this week. La...

I still have so many thoughts swarming around my head regarding the Jerry Sandusky-Penn State scandal, but I cannot take the time to write them all down. And there is no way anyone would want to read paragraph after paragraph even if I could. So let me briefly (for me) sum up my thoughts as of right now. The whole situation is sad. So incredibly sad for the kids, but sad for others too. Sad for the people who thought they were doing the right thing but may not have been. Sad for the people who should have done more and probably knew it. Sad for the reputation of a great school. Sad for coach who did so much for a university. Sad for the fans. Sad for the students. Sad for the community. Sad for sports. Sad for parents. Just sad. I know that Joe Paterno needed to no longer be the coach. I had hoped he would have stepped down on his own, but he did not. I know PSU's cutting ties with him is the right thing to do, but that does not mean that it is not sad. I hate that this is ho...

Late this afternoon, I arrived home from a three-day trip to Texas. This trip was not really for pleasure; unfortunately, my mother was recently hospitalized for a handful of things. Before she got out, my brothers decided that she would be better off, at least in the short-term future, living in Texas, where she could stay with my little brother and his family and have access to better medical care than what she was receiving in the small local hospital in her area. I went to Texas to spend some time with her and help her and my brother and his family in the best way I could. I am kind of numb about the whole ordeal. For over a week, I spent an insane number of hours on the phone talking to doctors, nurses, and many relatives and family members. I went back and forth to the hospital, a two-and-half-hour round trip, a few times. A car issue, still not resolved, further complicated matters. Nine years ago this weekend, I was riding in a truck with a friend en route to visit...

Yesterday, Jordan and I stopped by her former preschool/kindergarten. While waiting in the car for the classes to let out, I went through her school folder. It was then that I spied a paper announcing that Cathy, a long-time lunch lady, unexpectedly passed away the day before. My eyes immediately welled up with tears. At Jordan's school (which I think is true of all Catholic schools in the diocese), parents are required to do four lunch duties a year or pay $40. Because I am (pretty much) not working, I have done over a dozen at this point. I really don't mind them, actually. I enjoy being around the kids (remember, I do want to go back into teaching, at least most days), and it has been nice getting to know the teachers and some other parents. And getting lunch at the end of the shift is pretty nice too! But most notably, I have worked with Cathy, a woman who not only looks a little like my late grandma, but also has her same personality. Whereas this paper in Jordan's...

On Monday, Jordan and I had the pleasure of attending a program about the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at our local library. Greg Kenney, from Educate Us Productions, acted as both narrator and Dr. King during the presentation. Prior to that evening, I knew very little about Dr. King, other than he fought for racial injustice and was tragically killed when he was very young. When I was in school, we did not talk about MLK, probably because we never made it to the '60s in our U.S. history class. And Martin Luther King Jr. Day was not made a national holiday until the mid '80s, and even then, not all states celebrated it. But now that I am an adult, I am very interested in social studies and history. I first heard MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech when I played it for my speech communications class in the mid '90s. I was so moved by it and still am. To this day, my eyes well with tears whenever I hear certain lines from it. Mr. Kenney's program at th...

Yesterday when I dropped Jordan off at school, I felt inexplicably sad, and the feeling continued the rest of that morning and afternoon. In fact, I found my eyes tearing up a few times throughout the day. Normally I love this time of year. Once Thanksgiving hits, I enjoy the Christmas songs on the radio and in the stores. Most of the time, I don't even mind the frenetic pace and crowds. But yesterday something was just not right. And I think it was more than I was having troubling finding a sweatshirt or t-shirts suitable for an elderly woman for the giving tree. I am thinking that this is how people suffering from depression feel every day or most days. Pretty much nothing makes them happy, and they are unable to see the joy in anything. I know people who have gone through or are going through this, and it is tough. And it is real, despite what Tom Cruise (maybe he was just anti-drug) or anyone else may tell you. You just can't say to a person who is depressed, "Just be ...