Floundering

I am considering taking a break (again) from blogging. As I have lamented about before, I don't feel as if I can say everything I want to for various reasons (even though there are some things I really want to say and almost need to). I also am not sure too many people are reading the blog anyway (I hardly think the referring sites that I have never heard of and quite obviously seem to be spam really count). I have never wanted or needed a big following, but when only a handful of people comment on and/or send me an email about a post and I can't get off my chest what I really want to, I am not sure there is much of a point. Besides, it is not as if I have been writing often or about much anyway.

So I guess I will leave you with what is happening now, some of it, unfortunately, not without angst (at a level I am willing to share).

I have adjusted fairly well to working again, but I am not sure my kid has. She has been very moody and sassy lately. I have not done well in punishing her, due mostly to the guilt I feel for not being around much, so, as you can imagine, things are not getting better in that area. She insists, between the rudeness and the crying, that she is okay with my working and things are okay at school (for the most part, definitely will not get into that here). But when your kid seems so different, how can you believe that? Not sure what to do about that, but I do fret about it. A lot.

And speaking of guilt, the kid cried because I was the only parent (besides one other one, so I was not the only parent!) who was not there when she and some others sang in the choir for a school mass a few weeks ago. It did not matter that I had missed only one mass in 3-3/4 years prior to that. As she told me, this was the first time she was actually singing at church all by herself, and I was not there to see it. Sigh.

And I guess between lack of sleep and being busy at work, I have not been on top of everything. I sent the kid to school in shorts and a t-shirt Friday (with a dress-down coupon in hand). They had a half day of school, so I figured why not have the kid be comfortable for hours at after-school care. But when I got home from work, the first thing she said to me was that they had mass that morning and they are not supposed to dress down when there is mass. Unfortunately, since I no longer go to church with the kids, I have not paid attention to the Fridays when they had mass. Sigh. Again.

I won't even get into all the little school-related things I have forgotten over the past 1.5 months, the things that I always took care of and forgot to tell the hubby that he would now need to worry about. Fortunately, his memory is the exact opposite of mine, so once he knows about something, he will never forget it. He and the kid have their after-school routine down to a well-oiled machine.

I am trying my best to remember how I did it all the last time I worked, but the reality is that we are not in the same place we were over four years ago. A kindergartner does not have the same needs as a fourth grader. Plus I had that Wednesday off and PTO time to take care of things. And back then, I felt just fine when I worked late two days a week and the kid and hubby got to enjoy dinner in front of the TV. I have gotten so used to our eating dinner together every night that I am practically in tears when I have to text the hubby to tell him I am working late so not to wait for me to eat (and I am not sad just because I am missing out on a hot meal!). I work with someone who has two jobs and has worked for over 50 days straight. She told me she has to do that, in order to pay her mortgage. And I know many people are in her position. But that seems to be such a sad place to be in. You need a work-life balance. And if you think this life is all you get, as many people do, then it seems doubly sad to live this way.

I am not in a bad place (and I have no idea if this post makes it seem as if I am, particularly considering I left a lot of things out). I am really trying to focus on the many good things and blessings I have in my life. Whether it is the beautiful weather we have been having, the Pens playoff wins lately (and just that we have Sidney Crosby on our team makes me so happy), my kid doing pretty well in school (and actually caring about it), my family and relatives in general, the fact that I have a steady income, or just general health (and that my thighs are fairly solid, thanks to 660 steps I go up and down five days a week); I know there are many things for me to be thankful (and I am certain many are tired of hearing someone with a job complain). But I guess I just need to figure things out. Or maybe I just need to find more things to put into my "Good Stuff" box (or whatever that thing is called, which I have been neglecting).

Not sure when I will be back. But until then, carry on.

And, of course, let's go Pens!

On the occasion of my 10th (kind of 11th) Mother's Day

Ten (nine, oops, bad math) years ago, I celebrated my first Mother's Day. I don't actually remember a thing about it, including where I was or whom I was with. My mom may or may not have been working (if the latter, then I was not with her). I may have been here with the hubby, the kid (who was a baby at the time), and most likely my MIL. The hub's grandmother was still living in SC with his (now deceased) grandfather, so they probably were not there. We could have been at my MIL. Or, actually, we could have been at the hubby's restaurant (or maybe he was no longer there). Yep, no clue.

What I do remember is the Mother's Day before that. I, just over five months pregnant, took my mom to Heinz Field for a brunch. When we arrived upstairs, the hostess was handing out these nice, thick hardcover Steelers books to the moms. She asked me if I was a mom, and I recall touching my stomach and saying, "In utero!" Fortunately I got the book. :-) I don't remember much else about the day, just that I was glad I was able to take my mom to a place she loved and that we had spent a lot of time at over the past couple of years, thanks to our Steeler season tickets.

Also that year two friends sent me Mother's Day cards. One friend was a married mom of a one-year old, and the other was single and childless, but their thoughtfulness towards me was touching and something that I have not forgotten 10 years later. I saved those cards, along with the one the hubby got me, which he signed for him and the dog. That was our first year as "dog parents" to Sadie, so even if I was not pregnant, I think I would have considered myself a mom on some level. After all, we referred to ourselves as "mommy" and "daddy" when talking to the dog (and still do).

This year I woke up to the sounds of the kid, who is now 9-1/2, pacing outside my door. As soon as she heard me stir, she ran downstairs and was back up a few minutes later with a large coffee mug (filled with coffee) and a nice card. This was the first year she had actually picked out a card for me, and the sentiment was really nice. About an hour and a half later, the hubby made us bacon and eggs, and cleaned everything up, which included unloading the dishwasher from the night before. In a couple of hours, his mom and grandma will be here, and we will be treated to pesto pasta, steak, and shrimp. Pretty good day!

The only thing missing is my mom, who is on her way from NC, where one brother and his family live, to TX, where the other brother and his family live. Both brothers and families plus my mom were together this weekend for one of my nephew's First Communion. Unfortunately, with the new job and less than one day of vacation, I could not swing the nine-hour drive one way. But I am glad that my brothers are/were with my mom, as I have been luckily enough to spend the past few Mother's Days with Mom, unlike them.

In any event, motherhood has been an interesting journey. It has brought me such joys and happiness, but there have also been many tears and a lot of frustration along the way. I don't pretend to be the "greatest" mother; I still struggle mightily with being more of a disciplinarian and less of a friend to my only child. I  hover and fret more than I should (but am improving). And I don't now how to best deal with my kid getting hurt emotionally. But one thing is for certain: The love I feel for my Jordan is like no other, and one I would not trade for anything or anyone else. I feel truly blessed to be a mom to her as well as to have a mom like the one I do. And I am also grateful I have had the chance to "mother" some of the kids at J's school, at the VBS program I volunteered for four summers, and at the after-school program for most of this school year.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, in whatever way you "mother" someone or something. And know that I am sending warm thoughts to those of you who no longer have your moms or your children with you as well as those who are estranged from your moms.

Facie

P.S. I have to acknowledge the best gift I received (besides the "makeup" table the hubby and kid got me): a Pens victory. How sweet it is.

Playoff hockey is making my arms sore.

So far, the first round of the 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs has been an interesting ride for the Penguins faithful. The first game, this past Wednesday, was awesome. The Pens pretty much wiped the ice with the Islanders in a 5-0 route. I have heard people say that they would not want every game to be a blowout/one-sided. I agree with that statement, but I would certainly not mind if most of the games went that way for my teams. I get way too wrapped up in important games to go through too many nailbiters, which is exactly how the next two games played out.

Friday's game started off well, with the Pens pretty much picking up where they left off and scoring a couple of goals in the first period, most notably one by Sidney Crosby, who had been out for a month. He may have been wearing more headgear than a football player, but that kid can play. I was (somewhat happily) thinking the Islanders were in for another shellacking, although I was actually feeling a little sorry for them. Unfortunately, the Isles answered with a couple of goals, eventually tying the game and then taking the lead in the third period. I don't remember much after that, other than a lot of cussing and pacing on my part as panic started to set it in. When there was about 10 minutes left in the third period, I was so worked up, I started doing foot fires and shadow boxing (well, not really shadow boxing; we have mirrors in our den, so I was pretty much "punching" myself), willing the Pens to tie the game. My arms were starting to hurt, since they tend to get "work" only on Sundays when I swim, but there was no stopping me. But, alas, by the end of the game, dozens of punches later, my arms hurt, my blood pressure was up, and the Pens had lost.

Today, I was feeling more hopeful, knowing the Pens really are the better team. I was trying to remember what I had worn on Wednesday, hoping to recapture some of that magic, but I did not think putting PJs on at noon, knowing I was going swimming afterwards, was the answer. I instead went with one of my Pens t-shirts, hoping team apparel would work.

I did not panic when the Isle scored first, knowing the Pens lost the the last game when they scored first. But when those stinking NYers got another goal, I was a little worried. Fortunately, the Pens answered with two goals pretty quickly, and I started to feel better, cheering like a moron and pretty much scaring the kid and dog, who were hanging out, though not really watching. When the Pens got a go-ahead goal at the end of the first, I was pretty sure we had this. Unfortunately, the Isle had other ideas, as they came back to play, and once again tied, then took the lead. The kid told me I should get up and do foot fires and punching, until I reminded her the Pens lost when I did that last time. She decided we needed to sit just as we were when the Pens took the lead, but the dog would not cooperate.

At the end of regulation, I had a decision to make: Leave to go swimming now, to ensure we would have enough time before dinner, but risk missing the Pens winning. Or stay, skip exercising, but take a chance that the Pens would not emerge victorious. Ultimately, I decided we should go swimming, and hopefully the Pens would score on our way there. During the ride, I told J that I kind of wanted to pray the Pens would win, and she told me it was just a game. I had to correct her: It is the playoffs. Regardless, the Pen refused to score by the time we had gotten there, so I kept stalling, looking for any excuse to stay in the car and listen to the radio. Some guy in a truck next to me had the same idea, but he was far more disgusted than I was at that point. When the Pens got on a power play, I told J we should make a run for the pool, into the exercise room, hoping we could get there in time to see it. Alas, it was a long jog across the field, and by the time we had gotten into the exercise room and figured out which station it was on, the game was over.

But at least the Pens had won.

Phew.

My arms are still sore, by the way.

This is all I've got...

I just don't have anything really interesting to write about, unfortunately. Well, looking on the bright side, I guess I could say it is fortunate. I certainly don't want to be writing about something awful or major going on (knock on wood!). I am past our expensive car bill. I go to work five days a week, which leaves little time for anything else during the week. My weekends are spent doing a little cleaning, running errands, and trying to spend some time with the kid. I have been trying to go swimming on Sundays, but the hockey game and running some more errands will take precedence tomorrow. (Pens playoff hockey takes precedence over most things, really.) I still have thoughts swimming around my head about terrorism, religion, parenting, education, and guns, but I am not ready to write anything about those topics. So I will leave you with an amusing exchange(s) with a boy at the park today. Probably another one of those things where you had to be there. But it's all I got!

Boy, popping his head out of the tunnel: I'm 4.
Me: I'm kinda 4 too. Fooooooooorrrrrrrrrtyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyone, which has a 4. You probably did not think I was 40 though.
Boy: Oh, I knew you were 40.
Me: Kid, a word of advice, never tell a woman she looks as old you think she does. Always knock about 10 years off.
Me, to the mom, a few minutes later: Your kid told me he thought I looked 40 after I said I was. I am used to little kids telling me I am like 16 or  20. But 40?!
Boy's mom: He tells people I am 40, but I am only 30. He has 40 on the brain.
Me: I feel better already!
About an hour later, when I was talking with some friends, boy comes up to me: Excuse me, can you watch me while my mom picks up my dad. They won't be gone long.
Me: Buddy, I have to leave soon, but I think you just need to go home with your mom.

I guess it should make me feel good that he felt comfortable enough to ask me to watch him. That is what I am going with anyway...

Let's go Pens! Pens in six.

If it weren't for the thinking part, I could better handle insomnia.

I started getting occasional bouts of insomnia when the kid was a baby. I don't recall how often my sleepless nights would occur back then, though I very vividly remember one fall night when I got up to do work. But for the past few years, I would say I have had trouble sleeping anywhere from a dozen to several dozen times a year. Typically it is stress-related, but not always.

This latest wave began when I was offered the job for which I have now completed my first month. It was really bad the week before my job started and the first week of, but it has settled down since. Unfortunately, I still cannot seem to go more than four or five days without getting only a few hours of sleep in one night.

The good news is that because I have been quite busy at work I don't really notice how tired I am. Surprisingly (and I hope I am not jinxing myself or tempting fate by saying this) I still can manage to react quickly in traffic, something I have to do pretty often. But there are times the exhaustion hits me like a ton of bricks, typically when I am sitting and doing nothing, which is pretty rare these days.

But I think even worse than my being tired yet unable to fall back asleep is that while I am lying awake, I just can't seem to shut my mind off. Although I suppose that is a big part of what insomnia is about... Tonight's/this morning's thoughts have included the $$$$ car bill we were just hit with (and the hubby's talk about getting a replacement vehicle), guilt from not sending my SIL the card I bought her for her 40th birthday, feeling bad about having to give up choir because I have had to work late on practice evenings (and feeling worse that my choir director does not seem to care), worrying about the economy and my hubby's job (which he is so unhappy about), feeling sad that my kid will have to get up early this summer because she will be in some type of daycare (and not knowing exactly where she will be this summer), worrying about my kid in general, and fretting about messing up or forgetting something at my job. Even the Penguins have entered my consciousness because what if they don't go deep into the playoffs?! To think that hockey could be done in a week or two seriously concerns me (though I really do feel as if the Pens will go far and hopefully all the way).

I have covered a lot of ground in the past few hours, since I work up around 1:30 a.m. (and that does not even include my drifting in and out of sleep for the three hours prior to that)! If someone out there has any suggestions for what I can do to help myself fall back asleep when I wake up, I would love to hear them. I am guessing blogging is not going to be on that list, but I will let you know later how that worked out. :-)

Good night. Or, rather, good morning. The under two hours until my alarm goes off is going to come pretty fast, I am guessing...

I needed that.

I wrote almost 1.5 posts this morning. The half post was about revenge, and the nearly finished post was about religion. They were somewhat related. But for various reasons, I decided against either one. Instead, I wanted to write about something more positive and less deep. It is going to sound awfully similar to a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, but as I continue to work through my life as it is now and "get right" with decisions I have made, sometimes you need reinforcement...

On Thursday, J and I showed up for dinner for the last after-school session of the year. As I blogged about previously, I worked with a group of kids one day a week up until I started a job at the beginning of this month. The experience was challenging and rewarding, and something I am glad I had the opportunity to be a part of.

Prior to our getting there that evening, I was a tired and in a bad mood as traffic was awful. As a result, we had gotten there later than planned, when half the kids were nearly finished. But when I walked in the door, two of the kids ran up to me and hugged me. I immediately forgot about my irritation; feeling the love of kids can do that. They told me how much they had missed me, and then one of the girls asked me where I had been. I reminded her that I had started a job (I stopped by a few weeks ago to tell the kids this). Then A told me to quit my job, just as she did last time. I laughed (partly because this was the last session) and said I had just started and I had to work, but I was still thinking of them. She hugged me again, and said okay, and walked away. I went on to enjoy some time with some of the kids and adults (and some delicious food). And I was glad I sat through the traffic to get there.

Even though I often question things I do, and I frequently wonder if I am making the right decisions, once again these children reminded me of something important: 

Never underestimate the effect you can have on children. 

:-)

I am pretty sure you had to be there.

Most of the blogs I read contain pictures. At least a few per post. Most of my posts contain no pictures. And that is mostly because I am boring and partly because I am lazy (and I guess partly because most of my posts don't lend themselves well to pictures, because, the posts are, well, mostly boring).

But this is one post that I so wish I had not only pictures but also a video. Because I am certain my storytelling will not do this tale (tail!) justice.

I typically watch Penguins games with the hubby in our den. And our dog Sadie typically strolls into the room and parks herself on the floor, completely uninterested in watching TV. Just as typically, Sadie is snoring loudly within a few minutes of lying down. I guess it gets pretty tiring sitting around doing nothing all day other than barking at a few cars she happens to hear driving by (when she is not sleeping, of course). Maybe going into the next room to get an occasional drink of water is what is wearing her out.

Anyway, hubby can take only so much of the annoying snoring (by so much, I mean about seven seconds) before he yells at her to "Get out!!" Within about 10 or 15 seconds, our senior citizen furry friend slowly gets up and walks out of the room, probably having no idea what she did wrong.

More often than not, she waits in the entry to the room, out of the hubby's line of sight, but staring at me, looking for a sign that it is okay to come back in. Sometimes I give her a nod and a smile, but other times I try not to make eye contact. Regardless of what I do, in most cases, she decides to try her luck and reenter the room. Now Sadie does not just come strolling back in as if nothing happened. No, she ducks her head about an inch, maybe two, and walks reeeeeeeealy slowly past the hubby, clearly convinced that he cannot see her, because, you know she ducked her 50 pound body down that giant inch.

Hubby is usually amused enough by this that he is willing to give her another chance. I mean how can you not give the dog points for trying?! But, alas, she is usually snoring and subsequently out the door before another penalty is called. Unfortunately for my amusement, she does not often try her stealth move twice in one night.

Maybe I will have to start bringing the camera in the room with me. In case you just had to be there to appreciate it. :-)

Maybe she should try wearing these to hide a little better.

Looking on the bright (or maybe warped) side

Many people have blogged, tweeted, and commented on Facebook about the horrific bomb explosion at the Boston Marathon and the subsequent days-long manhunt, which included gunfire exchange and additional deaths. Mercifully and thankfully the tragic saga now appears to be over, at least the scariest part.

Because there is so much information and misinformation out there, I won't bother to weigh in on the specifics. I don't think I can add anything new or insightful anyway. I do, however, want to respond to people who feel the word is a dangerous, sad place.

You are correct; there is really no denying that the world is hardly all sunshine and lollipops. And I think I can speak for the majority of people around my age by saying that "back in the day" we did not have to worry about someone shooting up many people in a school, a movie theater, or at some event, or setting off an IED and injuring scores of people at a sporting event. (Of course I grew up in a small town, so my worries were different and less, I am guessing, than the worries of those who grew up in a city.)

But you know what? I can look at this in a different (and what I like to think of as a more positive) way too. There are more than a few people in this world who are mentally ill, broken, unstable, or just plain evil. No denying that either. But when you think about how many people there are who are just not "right" (whatever that means), shouldn't we consider ourselves pretty lucky that things like this don't occur daily or weekly? Can't we take some solace in that the shootings that we hear on the news almost daily (at least here in the Burgh) are typically confined to a few people and don't regularly include a half dozen or more people? That is something, right?

Of course I will think about something like this happening again (I will be a little uneasy during the Pittsburgh Marathon and I won't even be anywhere near it); I tend to do that for some time after a tragedy like this occurs. But I just have to keep on living and, as the saying goes, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So you can bet I will continue to keep my cell phone with me at all times. Because as a post from last year suggested, it is the next best thing to packing heat, I suppose. You just never know...

But I will end on a positive note with a quote I found on Facebook:

Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

Some pretty good words to live by.

Random Ramblings

I am so tired, but wanted to get in a quick post. Here goes a lot of random crap:

• I hate traffic. I don't imagine too many people like it, but lately it has taken me between 40 to 47 minutes to drive 6.2 miles in the morning (this does not include the time/miles it takes me to get my kid to school first), which seems a little crazy. Worth noting is I have gone several different ways, with and without a tunnel. But, no, I am still not ready to go the route of public transportation. And I don't even want to talk about my commute home.*
• Job is busy but still going well. I am really liking it so far and feeling more comfortable as the days go on.
• I actually walk down 240 steps and up 30 steps in the morning. It is the 240 steps I have to walk back up at the end of the day that leave me breathless (but I just may have thighs of steel before too long, so there is that).
• Unfortunately, among lack of sleep (cursed insomnia), working all day, and having to cram many things in during a few hours in the evening,** including some time for the kid, my fuse has been a little short. I hate that. I need to work on it. Wish me luck.
• The Pens won their division. Yeah! I am pretty sure we won't be able to count on the Steelers for too much this year (and let's not even talk about the Pirates), so here's hoping we can get a Cup out of this or at least a long playoff run.
• Today I saw some guy wearing pants that went completely below his butt cheeks. I have no desire to see anyone in his boxer briefs (or in any other kind of underwear for that matter, unless it is Marky Mark, circa 1992).
• If you are local (and maybe not even), you may have read about the PSSA's and some mother/prof who opted her child out of them. I don't have a strong opinion about standardized tests, but I can say that at my kid's school, they do not seem to take them (Terra Novas) as seriously. The school asked that no trips be scheduled and for the kids to be well-rested and fueled each day, but that is about it. To the best of my knowledge, hardly any time was spent prepping for the tests, and the kids do not seem to be pressured.
• Apparently western PA went from winter to summer in a matter of days, which is not uncommon around these parts; it just happened later this year. As usual, the hubby and I disagree about when the AC should go on. I say not until May regardless; he says when the indoor temps nears 80, it is time. He won that battle.
• That is all for now. Have a great rest of the week, blog friends.

* The last time I worked full time, I typically worked 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., so I did not have to deal with traffic. Even when I worked four days a week four years ago, my hours varied, so traffic was an issue only one or two days a week. I know I need to get over this, but it will take time.
** This is another adjustment that I hate to complain about (particularly knowing that many of you work full have and have for years). But when I had Wednesdays off my last time around working, it made a huge difference (plus when you are off in the middle of the week, it is a great comfort/motivator knowing you have to work only two days in a row). I could do my laundry and cleaning then, plus during my working evenings I did not have to worry about helping my kid with her homework or piano in the evenings because she had neither. It is worth noting that if history serves, next year my husband should be back on grocery rotation (this is the end of my second five-year stint; he should start his second stint next March...)

The next chapter

I am super tired after my first full workweek since just before my kid was born. (Actually, I think I had a five-day sub stint last year, but this is different.)

So how did it go? I think pretty well. :-)

Here are some random observations before I head to bed:

• The work is pretty interesting overall. The teacher in me is fascinated and challenged by the units/lessons I am reviewing, and the editor/proofreader in me is full speed ahead finding typos, wording issues, and layout inconsistencies.
• I am happy to say that one of the woman I have been working with told me she was really impressed with all the things I questioned/found. It is nice to be complimented during the first couple of days.
• The people are really nice and friendly. I have not detected any egos, just people who work together and want to help one another (and me). As I was sitting with my coworkers at lunch today, I mostly felt as if I had worked there for a long time. (I also discovered I do not care much for pan-fried noodles.)
• It is great not having to track the details of my time. At the job where I spent 13 years, we had to log all of our activities because that is how we billed clients. I was constantly writing down what I was doing or electronically updating the time-card records with all my tasks (and because I am so detail-oriented, I wrote a lot of crap). At this job at the end of the week, I pretty much just review my already-populated five days of 7.5 hours each and hit approve/submit.
• Parking is super $$$ and not easy to come by. The garage attached to my building is $14 a day and is often full, so the first four days I parked at a garage that is a brisk five-minute (eight or nine minutes for most people) walk away for $12 a day. Today I found a lot that costs only $7 a day (cash only, bummer) and involves a 10-minute walk one way going at a quick pace. Included in that walk are over 200 steps (on the way to the office the steps are mostly down). It will be nice to get in some daily cardio (at least it will be until the temps go past 80!). Unfortunately, any day I have to pick J up I won't be able to park there; I would never make it to her after-school care by 6 p.m., thanks to where the lot is, combined with all the lovely traffic during my commute home.
• In some ways, it feels as if I have been working awhile. It was not as big of an adjustment as I thought it would be (the first week, anyway; I realize I have a long way to go). My kid has done just fine at after-school care. The hubby has picked her up most days, and her homework has been completed, her piano practiced, and her lunch made before I even get home. How great is that (great, trust me)?! It is weird to do laundry at night and to have to run my errands, including grocery shopping, on the weekends. I am pretty sure I am going to hate that.
• But it will be nice to finally get a steady/regular paycheck and have paid time off, including vacation, sick, and personal days as well as holidays. (Did I mention we get the week between Christmas and New Year's off?! Totally awesome for parents with school-aged kids.) Keeping those future days off in mind is helping me get through the "I-miss-my-kid-and-want-to-be-with-her" angst. Then again, her going-on-13 attitude is also helping to ease the separation...

I don't know how all of this will turn out, and that is okay. But right now I feel pretty good about the situation, and I think I could be at this job for awhile. Truly the support I have received here from my great blogger friends, from people on Facebook, and from family and friends in real life is a big part of my positive attitude.

You might be surprised how far words of encouragement can go. I, however, am not. :-)