And back to reality

Some mornings when I wake up, I have no idea what day it is, thanks to my not working. Today was not one of those days, however, perhaps because one just cannot escape a Monday, even when Monday does not mean the beginning of a work week.

I woke up with my kid at my side, a frequent occurrence in my life lately. For years I silently chastised parents who let their kids get in bed with them. But now I get it. I just don't have the energy at 2 a.m. to either calm my kid down in her bed or to turn her away from mine, when she walks in, cheeks stained with tears because of some nightmare (not to mention Brian insists we keep the monitor on, which means we can hear every little noise). Sleep is such a wonderful thing, and I will do whatever I can to get eight hours of it most nights.

But more than that, I think I let Jordan sleep with me because I still feel guilty about not spending enough time with her. Even now, when I am with her many hours a day. I always said if I were a stay-at-home mother, I would do whatever I could to get out of the house, see friends, join something, whatever, just to be my own person. But this has been my fourth week of being a SAHM (for now), and I still feel that tinge of guilt when I am on the computer, when I go to choir, or when I spend time with friends.

Maybe I still feel this way because I know my situation is only temporary, and before long, I will go back to seeing her for just a few hours, four nights a week (and chances are it will be five nights, as it is unlikely that I will find a job that allows me to work four days).

And perhaps this guilt is also why my job search has been in low gear. Almost no gear, really. I am just not ready to give up spending this time with my child, who in just four and a half months will start first grade and will be going to school all day, five days a week, nine months a year, for the next 12 years.

Is it any wonder that I just want to stop the world, for a few months?


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