Floundering

I am considering taking a break (again) from blogging. As I have lamented about before, I don't feel as if I can say everything I want to for various reasons (even though there are some things I really want to say and almost need to). I also am not sure too many people are reading the blog anyway (I hardly think the referring sites that I have never heard of and quite obviously seem to be spam really count). I have never wanted or needed a big following, but when only a handful of people comment on and/or send me an email about a post and I can't get off my chest what I really want to, I am not sure there is much of a point. Besides, it is not as if I have been writing often or about much anyway.

So I guess I will leave you with what is happening now, some of it, unfortunately, not without angst (at a level I am willing to share).

I have adjusted fairly well to working again, but I am not sure my kid has. She has been very moody and sassy lately. I have not done well in punishing her, due mostly to the guilt I feel for not being around much, so, as you can imagine, things are not getting better in that area. She insists, between the rudeness and the crying, that she is okay with my working and things are okay at school (for the most part, definitely will not get into that here). But when your kid seems so different, how can you believe that? Not sure what to do about that, but I do fret about it. A lot.

And speaking of guilt, the kid cried because I was the only parent (besides one other one, so I was not the only parent!) who was not there when she and some others sang in the choir for a school mass a few weeks ago. It did not matter that I had missed only one mass in 3-3/4 years prior to that. As she told me, this was the first time she was actually singing at church all by herself, and I was not there to see it. Sigh.

And I guess between lack of sleep and being busy at work, I have not been on top of everything. I sent the kid to school in shorts and a t-shirt Friday (with a dress-down coupon in hand). They had a half day of school, so I figured why not have the kid be comfortable for hours at after-school care. But when I got home from work, the first thing she said to me was that they had mass that morning and they are not supposed to dress down when there is mass. Unfortunately, since I no longer go to church with the kids, I have not paid attention to the Fridays when they had mass. Sigh. Again.

I won't even get into all the little school-related things I have forgotten over the past 1.5 months, the things that I always took care of and forgot to tell the hubby that he would now need to worry about. Fortunately, his memory is the exact opposite of mine, so once he knows about something, he will never forget it. He and the kid have their after-school routine down to a well-oiled machine.

I am trying my best to remember how I did it all the last time I worked, but the reality is that we are not in the same place we were over four years ago. A kindergartner does not have the same needs as a fourth grader. Plus I had that Wednesday off and PTO time to take care of things. And back then, I felt just fine when I worked late two days a week and the kid and hubby got to enjoy dinner in front of the TV. I have gotten so used to our eating dinner together every night that I am practically in tears when I have to text the hubby to tell him I am working late so not to wait for me to eat (and I am not sad just because I am missing out on a hot meal!). I work with someone who has two jobs and has worked for over 50 days straight. She told me she has to do that, in order to pay her mortgage. And I know many people are in her position. But that seems to be such a sad place to be in. You need a work-life balance. And if you think this life is all you get, as many people do, then it seems doubly sad to live this way.

I am not in a bad place (and I have no idea if this post makes it seem as if I am, particularly considering I left a lot of things out). I am really trying to focus on the many good things and blessings I have in my life. Whether it is the beautiful weather we have been having, the Pens playoff wins lately (and just that we have Sidney Crosby on our team makes me so happy), my kid doing pretty well in school (and actually caring about it), my family and relatives in general, the fact that I have a steady income, or just general health (and that my thighs are fairly solid, thanks to 660 steps I go up and down five days a week); I know there are many things for me to be thankful (and I am certain many are tired of hearing someone with a job complain). But I guess I just need to figure things out. Or maybe I just need to find more things to put into my "Good Stuff" box (or whatever that thing is called, which I have been neglecting).

Not sure when I will be back. But until then, carry on.

And, of course, let's go Pens!