Skip to main content

Life is always different on paper

And on the computer. And from what people tell you.

I read people's blogs and their Facebook pages. I talk to people about their lives. But then something happens, and I think that either I did not really know these people or they are living two different lives, the one everyone sees and the life they actually live.

More often than not, this phenomenon I am speaking of is related to marriage. A friend will talk about how happy she is, how great her husband is, etc. Then, bam! The marriage ends. Sometimes it is not that dramatic. It may be that I have never heard a friend complain about her spouse. Everything seems fine for them while I am feeling kind of bad because I am venting about something my husband did. Then some time goes by and this friend tells me she and her husband are getting a divorce.

And for some reason I feel as if I am in this dissolving marriage. That I am the one who has been hurt. And I don't know why. Other than I guess I just feel kind of blindsided.

Recently, I stopped by a blog I read on occasion. This person, who is quite sarcastic and witty, has talked about how she and her husband drive each other crazy, but they will never get a divorce. They celebrated an anniversary recently. She has declared her love for him (when not joking about doing him bodily harm). Well, you can probably guess where I am going with this; they, in fact, are ending their marriage. I don't know this woman from Adam, I am sure I will never meet her, and I have no idea what happened. But yet, once again, I (very selfishly) feel wronged in some way. I want to implore her to go back and read some of her posts. I want to tell her that she cannot do this to me and the kids!

If you stop and think about it, you probably know a handful of people who should not have gotten married. In most cases, not surprisingly, those marriages end at some point. I can think of at least a half dozen friends or coworkers who I could never figure out why or how they got married to begin with. In every case but one, those couples are no longer coupled.

But even some of those are difficult for me. Mostly because even though I did not think they were right for each other, I did not hear them complain about their relationship or they seemed as if they were getting along. So I figured I must have misjudged them.

I wish I could figure out what my point is with this latest rambling. I guess part of it is that I am suggesting people just be honest from the get-go and not pretend that they are in a happy-go-lucky marriage if they are not. Perhaps another part is that I wish people would not give up so easily, particularly when kids are involved. Of course, since I am not in these marriages, I have no idea how hard they really fought.

But one thing I do know for sure: you will never hear me say how wonderfully great my marriage is. Most of the time it is good or at least good enough. Sometimes it is a struggle. And there are days (at least hours, anyway) when we just don't like each other. I am quite certain some of our friends are surprised we are still together. Mostly because I am so open and honest and I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't or to have something I didn't. But know that we really, truly intend to go the distance because we love each other, and we love our daughter. We don't really want to be without each other (at least not all the time). And we just don't think marriage is something you should take lightly.

So if you are reading this and your marriage is in trouble, if we are friends, please think of how you can start to break this to me. Remember, there are three of us in your relationship, and this third person is going to take it hard. :-)

Comments

Anonymous said…
You are too funny (that IS what you were going for right?!!).

Decorum dictates that we be prim and proper and show no weakness or admit that things are anything less than perfect. I think that is the short answer as to why people pretend things are great. People may also be trying to work through things and don't want to let others know about it.
Sherri said…
Hmmm... as you know, I am an honest blogger - no butterflies and rainbows on my parenting page, but... I rarely comment on marriage. I think I do so in passing - I diss my hubby now and then when he deserves it (and he does) - I even feel guilty when I've said something that people feel they need to comment on or offer support for (like - yikes - was it that bad?) - but... I also give some props when appropriate - try to allude to this was a bad week - felt like we did not connect - but did get to hang together and have a glass of wine or whatever.... Marriage with kids and job worries and .... blah blah blah is TOUGH. Relationships are hard anyway, and... I think that it would be refreshing to see some honest sharing in a blog or woman to woman forum. My hubby has seen some of my complaints in writing and his reaction varies - might mention it if it bothers him (sometimes a good thing, right?) - but might not if it doesn't bother him / he finds it true or funny or whatever.... OK - what is it about discussing marriage that makes us ramble? Signing off. Good post - quite like the rambling :-).
Facie said…
Considering two people emailed me about this post, I think it should be clear to me that discussing the really personal aspects of marriage is not the norm.

I can accept that as I would never air every issue I have, but I would at least prefer that people say nothing and not pretend things are good as I see all too often.

And to anon (and one of the people who emailed me), I was kind of going for funny; it helps to take some of that self-centered/selfishness from me.

Popular posts from this blog

Worry

Lately, I have had some anxiety. I have been waking up within an hour of when I fall asleep (partially because my bladder has its own timetable). And then I lie awake, worrying about various things. Mostly I worry that I am failing as a parent. I worry that I allow my child to be disrespectful to me more than she should. I worry that I am not forcing my shy child to do more things. And I worry that the few things I am pushing her to do will make her resent me. I worry that she gets stressed about school. I worry that she is bothered because she does not have a lot of friends. I worry because I don't know why that is.

I worry that we will be stuck in our house in our bad school district, a place where we would not send our child to high school when she graduates in two years (two years!). Then I worry that our somewhat introverted child will have to go to cyber school. Because there is just no way that we could afford to send her to Catholic high school, for which tuition is curren…

Why I am an "Other"

Last month while I was getting my driver's license picture taken, I tried to change my political party affiliation. For whatever reason, my choices were Democrat, Republican, Other, and None. But first, how I got there.

I registered as a Democrat when I first registered to vote, just before the '92 election. At that time, I was "kind of" liberal (for growing up in a somewhat rural area in western PA), and pretty much all of my relatives were registered that way, so it made sense. I was not really into politics at that young age, however.

As I got into my late 20s, I started to realize I was becoming more conservative, so a few years later, when it was time to renew my driver's license, I changed to Republican. I still remember the day at work when I told my coworker Anne that I was really a Republican. She told me she had known it for years. During the 2008 election, I was on board with John McCain running for president, mostly because I thought he was a good pe…

My first and hopefully my last biposy (or I would rather be at the beach)

This past Monday afternoon I had my biopsy. Up until Sunday night, I was not worried. In fact, I was never really concerned about having cancer; it was the needle part that bothered me. As it turns out, there is more than a needle; there is an actual incision. So it was not surprising that I only got a few hours of sleep. But on a positive note, I cruised right down the Parkway that morning, being the Monday before the 4th, so there was that.

I got there at the prescribed 30 minutes ahead of time; in fact, it was probably close to 35 minutes! I had to wait about 10 minutes, during which I could feel my seat vibrate (still not sure about that; I was tired but I don't think I was imaging it). Then I went back, changed, and waited in the "gowned waiting area" for no more than 5 minutes. Not even enough time to find out whose twins Jennifer Garner was pregnant with! WARNING: What follows will be detailed, though not too graphic.

Then I went back to a room, where someone as…