Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A huge, grave miscalculation on my part

Those of you who know Amy of Callapitter probably are aware of the hands-on design meeting for Kate and Peter's Treehouse this Thursday. If not or if you are interested in learning about the meeting and the project, check out the link here.

For this particular meeting, the planners are interested in the input of children since they will be the ones using this park. And because Frick Park, where this space will be located, is one of Jordan's favorite parks, I thought it might be a good idea for the two of us to attend. Plus I just want to support Amy, for all that she has been through.

Jordan did not know Kate and Peter; they were in different classes while in Beulah. For that reason and because, as I have mentioned in several posts, Jordan has struggled with death in the past, I never bothered to tell her about them. Until now. I figured if I was going to take her to this meeting, I should probably give her a heads up. Otherwise, she would be asking questions there and might become upset. So when we were at the park today, I told her that the new park was for these two kids. Jordan asked what happened to them, and I told her. She did not take it well, particularly when I told her Kate and Pete were 7 and 5 respectively when they died. Then I very stupidly told her how they died (their dad fell asleep at the wheel).

What the hell was I thinking?! What purpose did that serve? I am an idiot. After Jordan became both angry at the dad and so sad for the "innocent kids," I literally begged God to erase the entire conversation from her brain. But much like God will not be bringing Amy's kids back to her, as much as she wants, he is not going to clear Jordan's head of those thoughts.

Jordan decided that she never wanted to talk to me again. She had worse things to say about the dad. She ran away from me at the park and cried most of the way home (well, when she was not yelling at me). My heart was breaking for her.

I know that death is a part of life, but I seriously miscalculated her ability to handle this information. Honestly, hardly a day goes by that I don't think about Peter and Kate and Amy. I have cried for them so many times. If I don't understand it, why did I think Jordan would be okay? I cannot explain why God would do this because I don't know why (and I am not blaming God, mind you, but if I were Amy, I know I would be).

Right now Jordan is playing with her Grammy. But I know when it is time for bed tonight (or maybe even when Grammy leaves in a few minutes), it is probably not going to go well. And I bet this won't be the only night, either. When I tell Brian about this, I am certain he will be less than pleased with me, and I don't blame him.

Sigh.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like a rough day for you. Hang in there. Coping w/ death is not an easy thing. Especially for kids. However, it is part of life. Maybe you can use your faith and prayer to help her understand. Help her to realize that this new playground will be celebrating their life by bringing joy to so many other kids - a wondeful tribute!
It will be ok. Hang in there.

Facie said...

Thanks for your reassurance, Anonymous. I like your celebration/tribute idea and will share that with Jordan.

Much to my great surprise last night went fine. Jordan never said another word. Then this morning, on the way to school, she asked how old Peter and Kate would have been. I then told her that a couple of kids from her current school knew them b/c they were in the same class at Beulah. She asked who, I told her, and that was the end of that.

Still not sure we will end up going to the meeting, but maybe (fingers crossed and prayers to God) she just had to be angry and sad and won't dwell on this too much.