Worry

Lately, I have had some anxiety. I have been waking up within an hour of when I fall asleep (partially because my bladder has its own timetable). And then I lie awake, worrying about various things. Mostly I worry that I am failing as a parent. I worry that I allow my child to be disrespectful to me more than she should. I worry that I am not forcing my shy child to do more things. And I worry that the few things I am pushing her to do will make her resent me. I worry that she gets stressed about school. I worry that she is bothered because she does not have a lot of friends. I worry because I don't know why that is.

I worry that we will be stuck in our house in our bad school district, a place where we would not send our child to high school when she graduates in two years (two years!). Then I worry that our somewhat introverted child will have to go to cyber school. Because there is just no way that we could afford to send her to Catholic high school, for which tuition is currently over $12,000. In two years, I am certain it will hit $13,000. I worry that if we do move, that I won't know her new friends and they won't be "good" people. I so worry about drugs and other scary things.

I worry about losing my job. I worry about my husband losing his job.

I worry about that next big expensive thing. I have to get my car looked at before we go on vacation next month. I am nearly certain that will result in a big bill. I worry about our old roof. We can't keep putting that off. I worry about several other things, some impending and others completely unknown.

I worry that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I work for a university which will pay 90 percent of my tuition (and all of my child's tuition when the time comes, presuming I am still at the U). And yet I have not a clue for what I should go back to school. I am 43. Why is it that I have not figured it out yet?!

I worry that I did not learn enough in school. And what I did learn, many of it I forget. I worry about being forgetful, and I I worry that I am not smart enough.

I worry that my husband and I argue too much about silly things. We both seem to have to always be right. I worry that we are not better champions for each other. And I hate that my kid has to see that.

I worry that my husband does not take care of himself. He is overweight, does not exercise regularly (yard work and snow shoveling are better than nothing, I suppose), and he refuses to go to the doctor. I worry that he does not care more.

I worry that although I do exercise regularly, I eat more than I should and not as well as I should. And I also worry about my knees going because I run sometimes.

I worry that my mother does not have many years left (she is in her mid 70s). I hate that realistically we don't have decades left together. So I worry that I don't spend as much time with her as I want to. But going back to work FT makes it challenging to see her as often as I did when I was hardly working. I also worry about what happens if either of my parents get sick.

I worry that I don't see my siblings enough. A few times a year means we are missing out. But I worry about the money and time it will take to get me to those places to see them (and I worry about flying and driving far).

I worry about what is going on the world. There seems to be too much violence and hate and intolerance and apathy. I worry about others' priorities (even as I worry about some of my own).

I worry that I care about what some people think of me, when it should not matter. And I worry that I care too little about what others think of me, when I probably should.

I worry about our poorly behaved, extremely active, and overly rough dog. As much as I/we love her, we kind of regret adopting her. But I worry about taking her back to the shelter. We would be the third family who rejected. I worry that the third time would not be the charm.

I worry that I have just over-shared. But the worry is there all the same. 

I worry.

I just worry.