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Do you ever just want to run away...

Yesterday's post was a rant about a fairly pointless two-hour delay. For the record, if it is snowing in the morning or if it has snowed throughout the night, I am not against a delay; the road crews have a lot of ground to cover. It is unfortunate for those who still need to get to work and are left scrambling to find child care or have to go in late. But I am all about safety. It is the temps that are clearly going nowhere any time soon that do not warrant a delay, again, in my opinion. It will be cold all day today. Having another delay today, once again, seemed pointless, but I am over it.

*****

I had a rough weekend, and I have debated whether I should write about it. As my mom and one of my brothers are so fond of saying (though I will be paraphrasing), "Once you put it down in writing (on paper or in an email), it will always be there. You can't take it back." For that reason, when things weigh heavily on my mind, I don't always share them in this blog. At least not specifically.

There was not just one thing that happened this weekend. And I honestly don't even remember how it started. Oh, wait, I do. We had just finished decorating our Christmas tree, a task that Jordan and I really enjoy, and we sat down to lunch. A minute or so later we heard a crash from the living room, so we ran there, only to discover the tree had fallen over. Water had soaked into the carpet, and ornaments and needles were everywhere. Sure, it was disappointing, but certainly not the end of the world. Unfortunately, to hubby who is much more the Grinch than Frosty, it was just one more reason to hate Christmas.

I can understand that sentiment, even if I don't share it. Things are tough in a lot of places, and everything seems so much more magnified this time of year. In fact, in the past few days I have read blog posts from three different bloggers about some weighty things. One, a part-time pastor, questioned God and faith. Another proposed that people, deep down, are murderous. A third wrote about several people in her life who are intentionally and constantly nasty to her.

It seems sad to be feeling so much angst, negativity, and confusion, but that is exactly how I ended up feeling this weekend. I, once again, felt sorry for myself. I felt bad because I have not been financially supporting my family. I felt scared because I have no obvious career path. I felt like a parenting failure because my kid is sometimes quite disrespectful to me. I also felt like I was doing something wrong as a parent because my kid does not seem to have too many friends. And I felt like a bad wife since I don't spend as much quality time with hubby as I should.

I looked around at our house and cringed at my cluttered dresser in the bedroom and various piles of paper on my computer desk and on the filing cabinet. I felt embarrassed thinking about the shocked look I received from a mother that morning who could scarcely believe I would not be baking this holiday season (I am just not good at cooking and baking, and, yes, I do try, but I mostly fail, though for the record, I will make one batch of cookies, ho, ho, ho).

Something else (I can't seem to remember what; maybe it was just all of the above) set me off later Saturday evening, and I starting crying hysterically, to the point where I could not breathe out of either nostril. I contemplated going out for a drive, but decided to walk around the neighborhood instead. Normally, I am not a fan of walking in the dark alone, but I just needed to get some fresh air. Plus, I was half afraid if I started driving, I would have just kept going.

Physically, it felt good. The temps were probably near 40, so it was a nice, crisp night. I was thankful that I had the ability to walk around and breathe in that fresh air. But then I found myself asking God to give me a sign. Well, a couple actually. I even said out loud, "Are you there, God? It's me, Faith." Kind of ironic that someone with my name would question faith, but that is how I felt at that moment.

I spend so much time defending other people and trying to see the good in them, but as I was walking up and down the partially lit street, I was wondering if the joke was on me. Maybe my blogger friends were right. Perhaps most of the people in this world are crappy. Liars. Mean. So incredibly self-centered and selfish, and others end up getting hurt as a result. And, some of those people are the ones you see in church and your everyday life. Clergy. Teachers. Students. Relatives. Friends.

I can't say that I got that sign from God. I can't even say that I did not cry again Sunday when Jordan was once again rude to me. But today I feel better.

I have to remind myself that faith is seeing without believing. And that I should not give up on people, including myself.

None of us is perfect, but we have to keep trying, right?

Comments

Mel said…
Facie, I am sorry you're in that place. Our pastor says it best: expect less from people and more from God. When I remember that and live by it, I am far less disappointed. If people were innately good, we wouldn't need a savior to intervene on our behalf--that is my belief. That's why, even when Christmas is disappointing in ways, I can still find joy. People stink; I've said that before, many times. But we are made in the image of God and therefore you can find beauty in people, too.

If you want to feel successful, remember that I am a stay-at-home by choice who is contributing nothing to the family budget. I do try to make our home comfy and inviting and take care of all the home tasks that I possibly can to ease hubby's load. As far as quality time with husband, what the heck is that? The grandparent "help" that other people enjoy is pretty much nonexistent in our world, so we make quality time when we can and (again) expect less from each other and pray that we'll appreciate each other and the gift of our child, which many people would love to have.

(And don't put up with any crap from that little sweetie of yours, either--there's a great book that I pick up here and there called Raising Kids God's Way and it makes it all sound logical. Try the library for it? Or borrow mine--I'll ship it if you want.)

Either way--choose to see blessings and don't buy into the s**t about Christmas meaning $$$ and gifts and perfect people. It's about a savior. Period.

Sorry to go on and on. I mean well, truly. (See the latest blog, about balance. Sorry I might have helped to trigger these bad feelings in you.)
Sherri said…
The holidays are both wonderful and trying. Every year, since I was a kid, I have felt that way. I always looked forward to the baking, the decorating, the shopping, the family dinners, even the traveling. It was all tradition, and it was what it was. I do think, however, that because of all the weight placed on these gatherings, these traditions, these "expectations", it can cause some stress. Like anything, really. I was a dancer, and loved it, but.. performers and artists know, the critique, the possibility of, yes, failure - even just for the moment - is right there. On that note, however, I think that trying and working hard, etc. warrant an upgrade to "good try" as opposed to "failure", but I think you know what I mean, and it is fine. We experience the lows to experience the highs, and that's why we keep at it :-) parenting, writing, dancing, creating the perfect holiday - whatever. It can be bad one day - zen the next - truly, what makes life interesting.

Anyway - as a kid, I had one brother who just might each year make my mother cry because he didn't get what he wanted. Also, I know my mom was not crazy about traveling to my dad's family's house but did it every year, with small kids, and... further... now expects it from me. All in all, we had fun, but I know my parents put in some late nights, spent some money they didn't have and even... yeah... fought a little about it all. That said - we had great Christmas mornings. The lead-up to it all was fun too - festive decorations everywhere you went - the silly school pageants - the huge task of wrapping stuff.... All good - a real, "we're in this together" type feeling. I, for one, wanted to make my mom happy and, so, helped my dad shop for her. On the other side, I thought it was funny to watch her hide his gifts. Screw my brother and his potential ill will Christmas morning; observing such behavior made me a better person - made me work harder to get close to family - to make others happy. I am proud of that; it serves me well to this day. And... it sounds like your introspection and tendency to regroup and / or vent or cry now and then has the tendency to make you better, calmer and appreciate what good you do feel. Edd and flow, right?

The holidays come at year-end when we're all reviewing what we've done all year anyway. It is a time of year that makes us think of people no longer with us or when our kids were babies and didn't talk back to us ;-). For most of us - like you (I can tell), that means being kinder to everyone - trying to make a nice day now and then for someone else - reviewing what you've done and can do better and / or don;t care about ;-). For others, unfortunately, it means a chance to dig further at those who upset them - or to make even MORE noise / trouble, over the holiday din, so that everyone STILL notices them and their bad behavior (ask any family therapist).

Anyway - I think the tree falling and setting off the grinch (and I think that may be a gender thing) triggered some emotion that was already there. I'm glad you took a few moments alone, and I'm glad you feel better. I had a doozy of a morning today (would have run out the back door if it wasn't so cold :-), but... have regrouped and am now looking forward to a calm night. Trust me - I, too, look at my messy desk, my half-painted kitchen, my consistently difficult and disrespectful 5 year old, and think... what have I done wrong? what could I do better? Nothing... or maybe something, but... I think we ARE doing the best we can, and our families do (and should) appreciate it. Don't feel so guilty about not being a breadwinner. You work - you pull your weight - just in a different way right now. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sherri said…
Ok - back on (can you tell I'm on my computer editing anyway today and just keep checking back on my blogger pals :-)..... Don't bake if you don't like to! Go to Trader Joe's where they have all sorts of holiday treats at pretty low prices, comparatively. Peppermint hot choc at a 1/4 the price of Williams Sonoma - cookies lower priced than those at Giant Eagle - even truffles and other candies. Oh - and yummy appetizers - again, reasonably priced. Go - stock up - nosh - have fun :-).
Sonapyrs said…
Maybe you should call some of your old friends - they may not be the awful people you that you have made them out to be in your head.
Facie said…
Mel: You said a lot of good things, thanks. I guess I should have clarified my not contributing financially a little more. A big part of it is money (Bri does not make enough for us to live on unless we give up a lot more). But as important is I am not the SAH type. You are good at it b/c you are crafty, organized, a good cook, and resourceful. You run a tight ship! I am really none of those things, and therein lies the big problem.

Sherri: You too gave me some good insight. I guess I had not thought about people reviewing their year (it seems so obvious!). There are a lot of expectations, unfortunately, and I just need to get past it/them, or try to! If nothing else, Jordan and I spend a lot of time in the car singing Christmas songs, which is simple yet meaninful to me.

Sonapyrs: I don't really think my old friends are awful. In fact, those are the people I have tried to hold on to. Sure I take issue with some of the behavior of a few, but I am all about turning the other cheek (plus I know I am hardly without fault). My rambling was really more of a big picture rant.
chris h. said…
You worry that you aren't living up to expectations, that you aren't raising your kid right, that you aren't doing enough for your family, that you don't have enough faith...these are all things a good, kind, soul-searching person worries about. A shallow jerk would never give any of that a thought. Your head and heart are in the right place, even though that place is kinda blue right now.

Keep pushing through...remember those footsteps in the sand!
Facie said…
Chris, I never really thought of it that way. Thanks for providing that much-needed perspective.
Lynnette said…
I think that Mel, Sherri, and Chris have excellent points. I couldn't say it any better. We all struggle with whether we're good parents, good wives, good workers, etc. We all have our moments, some of them not so pretty. But we pick ourselves back up again and keep trying to be the best we can be. You're trying, and that's all that matters.

And I really don't understand Sonapyrs comment. You didn't say anything about old friends being awful people in this post.
Sonapyrs said…
"Perhaps most of the people in this world are crappy. Liars. Mean. So incredibly self-centered and selfish, and others end up getting hurt as a result. And, some of those people are the ones you see in church and your everyday life. Clergy. Teachers. Students. Relatives.Friends."

The post was in reference to the above comment. I think one term "awful" sums up the liars, mean, self-centered and selfish thoughts of people.

And it was understood that this was a big picture rant; yet the comment was on something specific. If you want a sign from God, reach out to real life friends, not just blogger friends. Then you may see that there is a lot more people out there in the world for you.

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