- "If I actually publish this post, I am pretty sure some friends will be calling me with great concern"
- "Where is my happy place"
- "I can't cry hard enough"
- "Missing person"
- "Paralyzed by fear"
Later, things looked up and something got me smiling again. But, alas, something else had me singing the blues before too long. It could have been another struggle with Jordan (that happens a lot lately, and I am quite sure a post will eventually come of it). Perhaps Brian and I were arguing about Jordan (yeah, it's a problem) or money (another, probably bigger, problem). Maybe it was my bitterness over my car and feeling cheated. Whatever it was, I could just not stay happy for an entire day or for at least for two days in a row. For that reason, the second or third post title above would have worked. But, again, I could not bring myself to write down everything I was feeling.
After thinking about things for a few days, something occurred to me, which led itself to the fourth and fifth titles above. I realized that a big part of my not-there-as-often-as-it-used-to-be optimism/happiness had to do with the lack of a job. Not just any job, but the job that I lost two years ago.
I am sure at least two of you are thinking that it has been two years, so now, or perhaps last year, would be a good time to get over this. And I completely agree with you. But the problem is that I seem to be stuck in this weird place called "The Past." Many of us stay here way too long for sure. As much as I hate technology, it is clear how much I prefer the past. But as I was crying the other day, I realized that so much of who I was I left behind in that job. Maybe not so much the last position I held at that company, but rather what I did for most of my career there. I was really good at being an editor, proofreading, and project coordinator. I don't say this in a full-of-myself way, just in an honest way. And doing that job well and for so many years at the same place defined me more than I realized.
Now, because I don't have that job; because I am not doing the best job as a parent (not for lack of love or constancy); because I am not bringing in much-needed money as I did for the first 10 years of marriage; because I cannot seem to find a full-time, decent-paying job; because I am so afraid of failing (getting laid off can do that to you); and because I cannot figure out what it is I am really good at or what I should be doing, I have kind of lost myself. I don't know who it is I am supposed to be.
I know I need to get past all of this (and an improved economy would certainly help), and I am pretty sure I will. Because I have to. I really, really have to.