Facie’s Ramblings

When you have a baby, you are (usually) convinced it can never get more challenging than it seems at the beginning. The sleepless nights. The worries that something is wrong with your kid. The anxiety that she will stop breathing in the middle of the night. I certainly felt that way the first few months or even years with J. At some point, though, even when things continued to become challenging in different ways, somewhere deep down I knew things were going to get a lot harder. I knew that eventually my little kid would grow up and have bigger issues. After all, my mom was fond of saying, "Little kids, little problems; bigger kids, bigger problems." As my baby grew into a preteen, there was the stress of grades. Too much homework. Trouble with girls ignoring her. The disappointment of a boy not liking her. Now that she is entering 7th grade, I know that in addition to those challenges, all the "big" scary things are not too far away. Recently on FB, I wrote a...

But this post is not going to be about my regrets; I will save those for another blog post (or maybe never). Instead, I want to come up with a list of things, on the fly, that I do not regret! Here goes, in no particularly order (because, again, these are just popping into my head): Moving to Pittsburgh. I have blogged about my love for the city (and I have complained about a number of things as well). But I am glad I live here and hope to for as long as possible.  Having a child. I debated about this for years. And I almost did not have J. But I thank God and whoever and whatever else is responsible for that (including the hubby!). Getting married. I am not going to pretend it has been easy. And there are times I just do not want to be married. But there is something about making a commitment and sharing the journey with someone else. Loving and losing in love. Heartbreak sucks, but I think it is important to go through it. Whatever doesn't kill you... Being close to my f...

This evening, after hearing the kid whine about something, I wearily begged her to stop, saying that no one likes a whiner. J's response, which I have heard all too often lately, was that I don't like her for who she is. Sigh. I love my child more than anything and, like most parents, more than my life. I genuinely want to be with her as much as possible (which is why for the first time in four years I am sad that school is ending). But the kid can whine better than a three-year-old, and it is getting old. And when she says to me that I don't like her, or even that I don't love her, I reply, just as my one grandmother often said, "I love you, but I don't like some of the things you do." But that is almost not the point (though if you have any suggestions for how to get her to stop whining, I am all ears). My larger concern is her lamenting that I (and others) don't want her to be herself. I tried to explain, as best as I could, that there are thi...

I am considering taking a break (again) from blogging. As I have lamented about before, I don't feel as if I can say everything I want to for various reasons (even though there are some things I really want to say and almost need to). I also am not sure too many people are reading the blog anyway (I hardly think the referring sites that I have never heard of and quite obviously seem to be spam really count). I have never wanted or needed a big following, but when only a handful of people comment on and/or send me an email about a post and I can't get off my chest what I really want to, I am not sure there is much of a point. Besides, it is not as if I have been writing often or about much anyway. So I guess I will leave you with what is happening now, some of it, unfortunately, not without angst (at a level I am willing to share). I have adjusted fairly well to working again, but I am not sure my kid has. She has been very moody and sassy lately. I have not done well in pun...

I started getting occasional bouts of insomnia when the kid was a baby. I don't recall how often my sleepless nights would occur back then, though I very vividly remember one fall night when I got up to do work. But for the past few years, I would say I have had trouble sleeping anywhere from a dozen to several dozen times a year. Typically it is stress-related, but not always. This latest wave began when I was offered the job for which I have now completed my first month. It was really bad the week before my job started and the first week of, but it has settled down since. Unfortunately, I still cannot seem to go more than four or five days without getting only a few hours of sleep in one night. The good news is that because I have been quite busy at work I don't really notice how tired I am. Surprisingly (and I hope I am not jinxing myself or tempting fate by saying this) I still can manage to react quickly in traffic, something I have to do pretty often. But there are ti...

Four years and two weeks ago, I wrote a blog post that contained the good-bye email I wrote to my coworkers on the occasion of my last day of work. I was pretty proud of that note, which was quite hard to write as it reflected almost 13 years of being with one company, which is pretty rare in this century. I reread that note this morning to remind myself of what I had said, as that time feels like a lifetime ago. One sentence struck me: I am not sure where I will go from here or what I will do (although I fear cooking will be part of my immediate future), but I like to think onward and upward. I really had no idea what it was I was going to do or how long I would be without steady employment. Never did I suspect I would more or less be a SAHM who subbed and freelanced on occasion (sometimes the subbing and freelancing were often; other times I could go weeks without working). But here I am, just over four years later, getting ready to head back to steady employment. ...

Yesterday, I nearly finished a lengthy blog post, but then decided against posting it because it was focused on things that made me sad, which is going against the way I am trying to be. Then I took one piece of that post, and worked on that a bit, but that topic was too distressing. Last evening, as I was reading some article about a prison guard being attacked, I thought about writing a more lighthearted post about jobs I would never want to have. But I never actually put fingers to keyboard. So this morning, after being awake way too early, I decided to write about something more personal but hopefully not so negative: friendly relationships I am grateful that I have a handful or more of "true" friends who I know like (or at least accept) me for who I am, with all my faults and quirks, and whom I can trust. If I had only one or two of these people in my life, I would be luckily, but (yeah me!) I have more. Next there are those who although might not be the people I can ...

Although I don't like creepy, crawly things, I am not afraid of them and am perfectly able to kill them when I see them. I like the dark, heights don't bother me too much (though I don't love them), and ghosts don't concern me (not sure if they are real, but have not ruled them out either). So what worries me and sometimes keeps me awake at night (or infiltrates me dreams)? This first one is really, really strange, and kind of gross: overflowing toilets. This goes back to a time when I was in high school, and upon flushing the toilet in the "big bathroom" of our house, the water starting pouring over the seat. I freaked out! I can still picture it happening and my subsequent panicking as water flowed onto the floor. I don't recall who was at home who came to my rescue and, presumably, turned the water off. What I do recall is being afraid to flush the toilet when I was home alone after that for weeks if not longer. Fortunately, I have never overflowed a...

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know that honestly and doing the right thing are common themes. They are things I ponder more than occasionally. I have never served on a jury, and I hope I never have to. Why? Because other than with my own child, I am not very good at discerning the truth. For the most part it is because I am extremely honest (and open, for that matter), and I tend to think/hope that everyone else is too. For me that means that almost every time someone lies or is telling a half-truth, either I refuse to believe said person is lying or I am genuinely surprised that that person is lying. So how I am supposed to determine someone's guilt or innocence? Let's say Man A said that Man B shot Man A in cold blood/in an attempt to kill. Man B said the shooting was in self-defense. Someone is lying, and I doubt I would be able to figure it out. And what bothers me even more is what if I am wrong? You can say that you make your decision based on the...

I tend to drive downtown (Pittsburgh) during the week only a few times a year, typically to meet a friend or two for lunch and most years to attend a Steelers pep rally. I generally have no reasons to be downtown during the week, and the pricey parking options, traffic, and triangular grid (kind of an oxymoron) peppered with one-way streets give me even more excuses to avoid the area. Two days ago, I headed downtown to pick up tickets I had won from a radio station. That winning phone call came only a couple days after I had won a free pizza from Papa John's for picking heads for the Super Bowl coin toss (something good did happen as a result of the Super Bowl). So I was in a pretty good mood as I headed into the city, a mood made even better as I arrived in about 20 minutes thanks to my waiting until after 10 a.m. I called up a friend who works downtown to get his advice on parking. Typically I park in the First Avenue Garage, which is located near the jail and at the beginnin...

Since mid September I have been volunteering at a one-day-a-week after-school program. Most days, there have been times when I have wanted to scream. Some of the kids just don't listen. Some seem not to be able to stop talking when asked. Many have trouble sitting still. Just last week, I told a girl to sit up during a presentation (the kids were seated on the floor, and this girl was alternating between lying down and rolling around). She just looked at me with a half-confused/half-glare expression but stayed reclined. I repeated my direction, and I received the same look. By the third time, she actually listened, though it took only a couple of minutes before we did that same dance all over again. I am unsure what I could have done differently, short of dragging her out of the room. But not only would that have been disruptive to the presenter and everyone else (though probably not a whole lot more than the kid's rolling around), but manhandling kids is not something teachers...

Last evening, the mother of one of J's classmates passed away. This woman had been sick for quite some time (really her daughter's entire life), and her health had recently taken a turn for the worse. However, when I had spoken to her last week and the week before, she sounded pretty good, even optimistic. To help makes things easier for the family, I was planning to take her daughter and J swimming today, and we were going to finalize the plans yesterday. Unfortunately, because this woman had gotten so sick over the past few days, my conversation with her on my birthday was the last we will ever have. Sigh. In my opinion (and the opinion of many others) the worst thing that can happen to someone is to lose her child/ren. But a young kid should not have to lose one of her parents either. To a kid, that is the worst thing that can happen. I remember one time as a child my brothers and I were supposed to spend the weekend at my grandmother's, about an hour away, and I refus...

I am 41 today. Pretty uneventful age compared to the big 4-0. But I am fine with that. I try to be thankful and grateful that have gotten to live 40 years already. Here's hoping I get well over another 40. As I reflect on the first 40, I feel pretty good. I had a great childhood, full of many wonderful memories, mostly focused on spending time with my family. I went to Europe in high school, and thanks to my disdain for travel, I am okay that I will probably never return. I had a great college experience at Penn State, where I made many friends, fell in love with hockey, and furthered my devotion to football. Oh, and I got a pretty good education. I also sang "Ave Maria" at midnight mass just after I finished my degree, which was a nice way to enter "adulthood" (that coincided with a broken heart, but I am focusing on the positive). In my 20s I had a lot of fun hanging out, volunteering, working out, and that sort of thing. I also got my first (and second)...

Years ago, pretty much before I had a kid and it became all about her, I embraced being the center of attention, musically speaking. In high school, I was in the musicals and plays, eventually working my way up to the leading role my senior year (Reno Sweeney in "Anything Goes"). I was also in the chorus, and had a few solos here and there. And the first half of my senior year I pretty much was the alto section since most everyone else could not get the harmonies or was too shy to sing out (I jumped ship to the sopranos the last half of the year because I wanted the "easy" part). In college I used to sing in the dorm showers, and Mariah Carey's "Vanishing" got me a tryout with a local band thanks to someone in the dorm hearing me sing. My senior year, four of us worked on an education project in which we all shared our musical talents with the class (I sang something from my favorite show, "Jesus Christ Superstar"). And after 13 years of si...

Last evening, I attended a meeting for an after-school program in my area. A local church hosts just under two dozen kids, from K through 4th grade, for about three hours an afternoon/evening, one day a week. These kids will get a snack, help with homework, some recreation, arts and crafts, and dinner. All for $.50 per week. Some of these kids don't have much of a home life. And a number struggle with school. For some kids, this will be their only "home-cooked" meal of the week. For these reasons, I think the program is absolutely wonderful, and I commend the church (not mine or my religion) for putting it on. I am not sure how this will go for me, my kid (who has to go with me and does not want to), the other kids, or the other volunteers. But considering that many of the volunteers I met last night have done this for years, they must believe in the program and want to make a difference. And so do I. As I continue to question what I should be doing with my life, ...

This week I have been teaching Vacation Bible School, something I am grateful to have the opportunity to do. I want to be sure the kids have fun while learning the Bible stories. but the real challenge is determining how lenient to be and how many feelings I should try to spare. Yesterday, I told my 12 kids to divide up into groups of three or four for a scavenger hunt. Once the kids did that, because I had an extra list, I asked if anyone wanted to work alone. After about 30 seconds, one girl volunteered, and I then started to explain the instructions. Soon after, one boy started to get upset because he insisted that he really had wanted to work by himself. I explained that I had asked for volunteers (and I actually looked right at him when I asked this question), and he did not speak up. This seemed to upset him even more, and he next said that he wanted to work with the girl who was going solo. For about five seconds I considered telling him, as nicely as possible, that he needed to...

No, I don't mean I need to go somewhere with the hubby. We did that not too long ago, remember? And the kid will be at grandma's again in another week, so we should get to go on another mini-date. Mini because my husband will be on call, which he is six months out of the year. And that means he cannot go far from home in case he gets a call and particularly if he has to go somewhere. Which brings me to why I need a date. Next weekend I will be meeting up with some fellow bloggers, none of whom I have met in real life and at least half of whom have blogs I have never read, for dinner. I was planning to take Jordan since a couple of the bloggers are bringing their kids. Then hubby informed me a few days ago that he looked at our calendar and saw that I had a blogger dinner, so he figured that would be a good time to send the kid to grandma's. I had reservations about taking Jordan anyway. The next oldest kid there will be four, and I was not sure how Jordan would do wit...

It's funny (and not funny, ha ha) how when you have a baby, you think that it cannot possibly get any harder than this, with the lack of sleeping and the constant worry about almost everything. But as your kids grow up, you realize just how easy you had it back in the day. This morning, I read an article about a mother who choked the boy who was bullying her daughter. Before I even read past the headline, I found myself almost siding with the mom. I would never do anything like that; after all, I am the one, unlike hubby, who tells my kid to turn the other cheek. But I can see how as a parent you could become so frustrated, worried, angry, etc., that you could be pushed to that point. As both a parent and educator (albeit not too regularly for the latter), bullying concerns me. It is sometimes difficult to determine when it is just teasing/being mean and when it has gone beyond that. Of course it would be great if everyone just got along all the time and no one was ever mean t...

After an embarrassing layoff in my thank-you note project ( my last note went out over two months ago), I am happy (well, more like relieved) to report that I wrote two notes over the weekend. Note 1 This one went to the woman who pretty much runs the lunchroom. She updates the schedules for the monitors and kitchen helpers, which is a feat in itself considering it is next to impossible to get four or five parent volunteers every day. Part of that task includes sending emails begging people to volunteer because if there are not enough monitors, then the kids cannot go outside for recess. But wrangling the kids is the most difficult task. She has to move the line forward, keep the cafeteria down to a dull roar, and dole out discipline as needed. And that is just during the eating portion of lunch. While outside, someone almost always falls down, throws a ball at someone else too hard, or does not share a jump rope or other toy, and she has to deal with that as well (more so than thos...

I am unsure how many times in my life I have questioned why people do the things they do. I have probably done it in this blog a half dozen times or more. I know I wrestle with this at least weekly. I get that people have free will. Any one of us can decide on any given day, hour, or minute whether we are going to do something good or something bad. Something that will help others or something that will hurt others. Something that is "right" and something that is oh-so-wrong. I realize that most of us don't generally do really good or really bad things; we just live our lives. Sometimes we perform a random act of kindness and we are hopefully mostly nice to our family and friends. Other times we say something unkind, are not truthful, and do things we probably should not. But the truth is, I grapple with those little wrongdoings as much as I struggle to wrap my head around the really heinous things people do. Yesterday a man walked into Western Psych, a hospital/ins...